WIZARD HAMMER: 2010

I have recently gotten into a dangerous hobby and I feel the need to explain my obsession. I want to start off by saying there has been a hole in my life ever since the Spice Girls broke up and I have been trying my best to fill that hole with the endless supply of girl groups Korea poops out every couple of months. Each one is different in their own way, but they all follow the same basic format. So, I'm never bored, but not freighted by anything unexpected.

One of the reasons Korean's have caught my attention is that they work really hard for it. The Korean music industry has made an active effort the past few years to appeal to other countries. While the Asian music market has been traditionally dominated by the Japanese, last year, Korean artists like BoA and Wonder Girls, promoted in the US, Japan, and China, with the Wonder Girls starting a dance phenomenon and BoA releasing an entirely English album coupled with a US tour. Ballsy, considering we Americans absolutely HATE accents. We don't even like our own accents.

Its nothing new for Asian artists to sing in English or release entirely separate "English versions" of their songs. Typically, English versions are horrible, plagued with grammar mistakes and heavy accents; they were never really made to be heard by native English speakers. Its actually an inexpensive way to appeal to other countries in Asia, without having to make a separate version of a song for every language. English is the international air traffic control language and it is almost always a required course of study in school. However, I've never seen any country so focused on popularity.

And let me tell you, Koreans do their homework on other countries. For example, the Wonder Girls have opened for the Jonas Brother, appeared on the Wendy Williams Show, recruited the help of American Comedian Bobby Lee for their music video "2 Different Tears" and released an separate English version, with ALMOST flawlessly English. Even the most minute detail of a country's culture does not go unnoticed to the Korean music industry. Korean Girl group 4Minute released their song "Muzik" with two different versions in Korean and Japanese. The two music videos are completely different, and the reason why is hard to see. One particular aspect I noticed is the girls sport much lighter hair. To Americans, this may be a trivial difference. But looking closely, they are actually mimicking the "Amuraa,"a fashion style still going strong in Japan.

Another one of the reasons I love Korean Girls groups so much is that their personalities are easily broken down into very rigid roles. I have taken the girl band, f(x), to use as an example because they are literally the txt book definition of a manufactured girl group. All the girls in this group are either models or actresses with no previous career in music, their songs are simple and require little-to-no singing talent, and every girl seems to portray the following archetypes typically found in Korean Girl groups.

The Leader - this chick is deemed the most popular. She may not actually BE the most popular, but the record label will tell you she is, and they will shove her in your face every chance they get. In fact, most of the time, she is actually referenced to as the leader, and she will speak for the group during interviews. She gets all the good lines in the song, and probably most of the major verses. In all reality, she's the one who put out during auditions, and is shamelessly rewarded for her fallatious courtesy.

The Sexy One - This one almost always falls second to the leader. She is often similar looking to the leader, and could be confused with her. But look closely, she's ever so slightly more posh than the leader. She will sport a Ms. Paris Hilton attitude and she's the one you'd confuse for a hired escort. She always gets the most feminine clothing, and hairstyles. Her solo scenes portray her being idolized by men, or on some kind of stage. Truly, if she wasn't so hot, you'd forget all about her.

The Cute Little Girl - There is always one of these little runts running around. They tend to get the most attention, too, because they are the most identifiable to the general audience of Asian tweens. They get the "cutest" outfits, and portray a kind of "naughty innocence." You can usually find them jumping around on stage making peace/victory signs, and kissy faces. They often have props like book bags and teddy bears to really drive home the idea that they are not finished developing.

The Tough One /Badass /Tomyboy /Lesbian - This is the most essential korean girl group archetype next to the leader, because she is "the rapper". And listen to me when I tell you this, Koreans love rap break downs. In fact, I can guarantee you right now, if you skip to about 3/4ths the way through any korean pop song you will be treated with a rap breakdown. Its a requirement, and there is no exceptions. The bad girl of the group often sport gun props, and a bad attitude. They wear spikes, and boyish clothing. In the case of "Amber," she is so masculine, she could be confused for a boy. She even holds the door open for the other girls. Let's face it, she's down right dykey.

The Lost One - She is most simply the grey crayon. She's pretty, but she's not the sexy one, she's got attitude, but she's not the dyke, she's cute, but she's not 15, she's gets a different outfit, but its always the lame one. She fills out the stage. Her biggest guarantee is that they always seem to give her the 2-line pre-chorus hooks. Otherwise, she absolutely fades into the fucking background. She's lame, and you can't even hate her, because half the time she's behind someone else and you can't see her. Forget about catching her in a close up cause its almost always just a blip on the screen. You've got to thank them for shoving her in the background, though, because in all honesty, she's boring, and you're busy.

If you need to see a visual of this marketing strategy in action, just watch f(x)'s hit "LaChata"

I could be over this in a month, but they keep shelling out new shit as soon as I'm bored. I guess the beauty of it is that I could sit here all day and eat this up like candy. But after awhile I am a sick mess of a man, singing the lyrics to a song I can't actually understand. I feel my ability to have conversations about music has shriveled into an international mess of itself, and I find it hard to identify with other American's anymore. Hope you enjoyed my thoughts.